I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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