my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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