I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
