I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
