no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
