i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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