You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize