My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
