Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
