It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
