he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
