You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
