mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
True college students do jello shots in the library
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
