i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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