I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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