I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Randomize