Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
