so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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