I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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