I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
