i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
