For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
