when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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