Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize