I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
