I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
