I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
