Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
