all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You are a genius and a whore.
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