Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
