I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
