While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
