I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
