Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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