I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
