God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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