Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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