Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
