Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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