it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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