Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Sober January is a disaster.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
