I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
