sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
