Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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