I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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