I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am one with the molecules
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize