Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
