3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize