took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
