You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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