I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
