Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
