There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
