i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
