nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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