Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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