Will you blow on my dice?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
