i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize