whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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