At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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