Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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