I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
