If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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