I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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