Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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