Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
