I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
