So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
