I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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