1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize