The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
