I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
